Abba

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. Romans 8:15 NIV

Before we begin, I would like to clear up a misunderstanding. When I talk about faith in God, it is not because I am weak. The contrary is true; I am amazingly strong, and it is God who reminds me of that from time to time.

I have been writing my life story, which I will someday publish in a novelized form. The first few chapters are almost finished. Reliving those chapters was hard—really hard. Finding the best way to describe just a one week segment of my experiences took four months. It is gripping and tragic, but it shows the power of God. He is not a concept; He is the bright and morning star.

I have not posted recently because writing my story enveloped all my time, energy, and strength of will, purpose, and mind. And in the end, my strength was not enough. I was overwhelmed by what I needed to write. That’s when I had to make a choice: Rely on my strength, or write some of the most intimate details of my life with His integrity and strength. It was a tough choice, as the material led me close to my breaking point and then far beyond.

I finally surrendered to His immense grace, spent weeks listening and learning, and now I am ready to blog again. I hope each of you will understand that your greatest strength may very well be your ability to own your weaknesses and look into the face of your Father and call Him “Abba.”

Powerful Hands

There are powerful hands that are ready to lift you up. These hands are ready and able to strengthen, heal, and lead you. The owner of these hands created all that exists and even knew you and your present issues before the birth of time.

So As you walk forward and learn to heal from the pains of life, there are provisions that you will need. You may look at the world and wonder where your help, strength, and provision will come from. You might scan the horizon and see nothing but loss or impossibility stacked upon impossibility.

Yes, He knew this, and He made a plan for you; a way forward even though you can’t see a way forward. And even when you can’t hope, that way forward is still there. Even now when you can’t see, He is leading you.  So now is a great time to listen, look, search and remember all the leadings, promptings and nudgings of His Spirit. Keep a notebook starting right now. Come on, get off that couch right now and find a notebook. At the top of the page put the title, "God is Speaking Now". Write every note, nudge, leading and inspiration He gives you. Now, your eyes may fail you, just like mine once did, but His Spirit will never fail to lead you in His paths. 

Father, we have had our lives disrupted in profound ways far beyond anything that we ever expected or were prepared for. Now we must learn to depend on You to lift us up, lead us forward, and make us strong again. Help us to accept this as a real opportunity to learn to trust You like a little child. Give us the eyes to really see You and understand Your love so that we can grow in faith and trust.  

We know that some of our pain is the result of things that were set in motion during our childhood. Some is the result of misfortune, and some may be the result of immaturity, inexperience, or our own sin. Some of it is simply the result of life and living in a wildly wicked and perverse world.

Father, please forgive us for the mistakes we have made, and help us to learn to forgive those who have hurt us or hurt the ones we have loved. Help us now to learn to live with the mighty and most fearsome faith of a little child.  For it is that pure faith that is so terribly dreaded by the demons of hell itself. So we ask this in the name of the one who kneels right here beside us right now, the name of Jesus Christ, the Son of the living God. Amen!

Psalm 18: 16−19, NIV:

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
  he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
  from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
  but the LORD was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
  he rescued me because he delighted in me.

I Just Had to feel My Way Forward

You may have tried a thousand times to find a way to heal. But now you still hurt, maybe even more than you could ever try to explain. I’ve been there, and I understand. I couldn’t walk away from my pain and I just couldn’t heal. I just had to feel my way forward while I was full of bone-dry and silent tears.

But I was not alone; I was never alone and neither are you. Even now, as you and I talk through the power of technology, you are not alone. Someone far more powerful than I is right there with you.

There is an ancient teaching that tells us that where two or three are gathered together in the Creator’s name, He is also there. The teaching also states that if you (all) ask anything in His name, He will do do it. The only limit is that we don't ask out of an evil or selfish heart. Take a minute and ponder that. The Creator of the universe is gathered together with us right now as we are about pray. 

So let’s pray with all the honesty and humility we posess: Father, we come to you in need of Your help, Your intervention, and Your joy for we have muddled our own way through for far too long. Fill our hearts once more with Your joy. Provide for our needs and help us to provide for the needs of others. Forgive us and teach us to learn how to forgive others. Hold us closer than Your own breath, even when we try to pull away and Heal, restore, and reinvent our lives in Your image. Help us! We ask you in the name of Jesus, who is here with us now even as we gather here to pray. Amen.

Are You Ready for a Stinking Miracle?

“Take away the stone,” he said. “But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.” John 11:39, NIV

If a sense of hopelessness is making you discouraged, then here is a post that will make your day! If you have given up on a dream, then this post will lift your heart and put a smile on your face. Now, I am dealing with personal material that is hard to share, but I do so in the hope that you will gain from my mistakes. It is common for those of us who have been bruised by abuse to struggle; I hope my struggles encourage you. I will make this a short series to avoid a very long post.  

Do you have dreams that have been buried? If so, let me share my biggest one with you. I wanted to be a pastor with every beat of my heart. It was 1968 and the Vietnam draft and the war itself were splitting our nation. I had just graduated from high school and the draft made it difficult for young men because if you dropped out of college for any reason, you were likely to be drafted and sent off to war.

To further set the scene, I had spent years in a home that was pockmarked with abuse, deception, and threats of death. My home claimed to be a Christian one, but my mom’s mental illness ruled and it was a terrible place to live. Just a few months prior to graduation, my mom held a butcher knife to my throat. It was not a safe place to live or thrive.  

But ahead of me was the almost impossible task of learning Greek, Hebrew, and Latin along with all my regular classes. These three languages were essential in order for me to become a Lutheran pastor and that was my dream, so I was determined to learn them.

On top of that challenge was yet another. Emotionally, I was at least four to six years younger than my chronological age because I had lived in near total isolation and terror for so many years. Now if you were to have asked me back then I would never have told you that I was abused. I would've told you that my parents were extremely strict. But the truth was far more brutal than that.

If I had just started out to be a Lutheran minister, without all the abuse and terror through which I lived, I would have been ordained as a pastor. What occurred though was far different than that. At first, I couldn't cut the language issues very well and I had no idea of what to do with my newfound freedom. Since I had never had freedom even for a single day, I was bewildered and totally unable to handle it. 

I was a very poor student in my first semester, but I tried hard in the second semester and brought my grades back in spectacular fashion. I studied as hard as I could and was beginning to feel a little bit more secure in my personal relationships, but felt that I was so different from everyone there. My experience level was like that of an eighth-grader not a college freshman. I embarrassed myself in so very many ways.

Then I made a mistake which changed my life forever. I had been studying for three or four days. The night that I pulled my very first all-nighter, one of the professors came by to check out how things were going with everyone. When he came by my room, he saw how tired I was. He had never paid much attention to me before that day even though he was a frequent visitor on our floor. I knew his name but that was all.

He suggested that I might need some time away from the books; an hour or so of relaxation, so he invited me over to his home. I was honored to be invited by a professor. When I walked into his home, he offered me a drink and by treating me like an adult, he gained my confidence. Now I knew I wasn't supposed to drink, but somehow just being asked seemed like such a great honor. I drank most of it; my head began to swim as my dreams drowned. When I awoke, my clothes and my dreams were both undone. I found out later that this man had abused many others over a good many years. The school, however, protected him and decided to make an example out of me. I was told that my parents would get a letter informing them of all that had occurred that night.

I joined the Marine Corps less than six days later. My parents got a bewildering letter from the school which included nothing about the incident, but informed them that I was not welcome back the next year. My parents eventually investigated and discovered the truth.

I bring this up because last week my pastor read a quote from the book of John. Lazarus, the brother of Martha, was dead. When Jesus asked her where he was buried, Martha protested His implied intent of opening the grave by saying, “Lord, by this time he stinketh…”

Although I had read and heard this Scripture many other times, at that very instant the Spirit of the Lord said to me, “Bob, are you ready for a stinking miracle?” In other words, "Is there some hope or dream that has been buried for days or years? Has death destroyed your hope somehow?"

I think we are comfortable with little miracles, but we don’t believe for the unbelievable to happen. But God wanted to remind me of the thousands of buried dreams which long ago had begun to stink. Big miracles reveal our total need for Him, our failures, our weaknesses, and sometimes our sin.     

But who wants a stinking miracle? Who wants to come forward and speak of where they buried their dreams? Who wants to admit their own shame? Who will speak of their own failures and sin? Listen. If you want a stinking miracle, it's time to tell Jesus where the tomb is hidden. Now remember, He already knows so don’t ever be embarrassed. He is easily approached by the humble, easily entreated by the grieving who remembers where their dreams are buried, and easy to speak to in prayer.

Cast Away - Wilson I'm sorry

This is the video for the reference in yesterday's post about the movie Castaway.  It's well worth the 4 1/2 minutes.  Really feel this man's loneliness and ask yourself if you know anyone feeling this way, and how Jesus wants us to respond.  Have you ever felt loneliness like this?

We who hold the souls of others in our hands, who counsel, teach and preach must remember that these souls have been entrusted to us and that we will need to account for them someday. 

I met a man after God's heart. The first man who understood; the first pastor who ever really listened. It took several years to heal but I am now healed thanks to my wife, a great therapist, and God. 

May God lead us in our walk with Him and our service to the broken hearted. May He fill us with wisdom, remove all our critical influences and memories so that our ministry is safe, secure and loving. May He forgive us for when we have not listened and give us the chance to attend many "Wow" moments in the years to come.

Spiritual Abuse – Part 3

In the 2000 movie “Cast Away,” Tom Hanks plays Chuck Noland, a real-life systems engineer for FedEx. In a terrible storm, Noland’s plane is blown far off course where it crashes at sea and he alone survives. Castaway on a deserted island, he faces the rigors of survival and the ever-dwindling hope of rescue.

  

But with high tide comes a glimpse of hope. FedEx packages from the crash wash onto the shore. Inside, Noland finds a volleyball and a pair of ice skates. Both become essential to his survival and are used in ways so different from their original design.

The ice skates become the Swiss Army knife of Noland’s four-year ordeal, giving him the ability to crack coconuts, cut vegetation, and build shelter. When he accidentally cuts his hand, a bloody handprint is deposited on the volleyball. Later, consumed by his desperate loneliness and dwindling hope of rescue, Noland notices his own handprint on the volleyball. Slowly the volleyball becomes his imaginary friend whom he names “Wilson.” From that point on, “Wilson” becomes Noland’s friend and confidant.

Noland creates a crude raft but is blown back by the wind and the breakers. Four years later, after learning the weather patterns, tides, and better raft-building skills, he sets sail for another desperate chance at rescue. With “Wilson” at his side keeping him company through the first few days of relative quiet, all is well. Then a violent storm arises and separates the two. Noland, in a heartbreaking scene, desperately tries to save “Wilson” from being swept away at sea. The need for human contact, for affirmation, for comfort, and for love drive him far beyond the breaking point, and it personifies what those who have been afflicted by abuse feel deep within the crevasses of their soul. When you watch Noland’s struggle, you see and feel the depth of loneliness which occurs when a human being is cut off, isolated, and hopeless.

Finally, Noland’s story reminds me of the ordeal that survivors of abuse endure. The abused child experiences life as a castaway too. They too are lonely and desperate and although they have not had their lives mangled by shipwreck, their birthright of love, safety, tenderness, and compassion has been scuttled by those whose homes, hearts, and lives should have provided safe harbor from the storms of life. Their innocence, which should have been protected even to the point of death, has washed up on the shores of a deserted island, shattered by indifference, drugs, sex, violence, anger, and selfishness. 

Now it's time for us to act, to put our arms around the brokenhearted and listen to their stories and the burdens they share. Like Noland, they may bear the memories of loneliness, despair, and hopelessness. They may rarely speak openly of their own “Wilson” moments—those times when their hearts broke like a porcelain doll, when they cried themselves to sleep, or when they began cutting themselves in a vain attempt to sedate their own heart and mind.

They may feel shame when they remember their struggle and their pain so listen carefully and refrain from quick judgments. Remember that for years I was told that I needed to pray more, read the Bible more, and give more in order to heal, but the reality was that I needed to be loved and listened to with an open, loving and understanding heart. 

Spiritual Abuse – Part 2

Like all of us, spiritual leaders can be wrong. I am sure that these leaders never meant to harm me or to make my walk with the Lord more perilous. I am sure that they never meant to short-circuit my faith, make me feel like an outcast, or despair of life itself. But that is what occurred, and I do believe that it was spiritual abuse. I really hate to say it, but it's true, it's common, and it must come to a halt.

Quick, judgmental, and easy answers cause a great deal of heartache among our believers. This is even more harmful to believers who suffer from emotional issues caused by abuse, rape, and sexual assault. These believers deserve far better leadership and far more encouragement, hope, support, and plain old human love and understanding. There are times when I have seen more love expressed by social service groups that do not have a Christian agenda than I have seen from those who claim to bear the cross of Christ.

Job suffered when his friends gave him poor and inaccurate counsel. Current-day believers also suffer when leaders fail to understand the issues of a deeply broken heart. And if the church is to be a place where healing occurs and lives are changed for the better, it must also be a place where the brokenhearted can come and feel safe and secure while they heal.

The reality is that God is sovereign and we are not. So we must avoid the pitfalls of critical hearts. Encourage those who are hurting by setting in front of them the hope and promise of becoming growing and thriving. Then remind them that they will be an inspiration to others someday.  

My gift is to encourage believers, and I guarantee you that a little bit of encouragement can lift the head of the grieving believer. There are times when your encouragement is all that is needed to set someone free. There are other times when you will encourage and it will seem like your encouragement has little effect. But the Lord will use your words of hope to touch the hearts of those who are open and ready to hear. Patience and faith are far more effective than people think. Stay focused and keep going. It will pay off!

One time I sat down with a pastor when I was in extreme distress. He asked me what was wrong and I told him my story of degradation and humiliation. I waited for him to interrupt me, but instead he did something that no other pastor had ever done before: he asked me to continue. Two hours later, after I had explained the depth of my experience, I again waited for him to speak. He drew in a deep breath and paused for a moment. Then he gave me the most encouraging Christian counsel I have ever heard. He exhaled and said, “Wow!” 

Sometimes we may just need someone to understand what we are going through and to just say, “Wow.” In his simple answer, I found a counselor that I could trust and a friend who understood. And most important of all, I also found a man who was comfortable with admitting that he didn't know all the answers. I respect him for that, big time. 

Let me know what you think. 

Spiritual Abuse – Part 1

This post deals honestly with painful material in a polite and respectful way. Please read this only if you are in a safe emotional place.

I would like to speak directly and honestly about a matter that has troubled me so greatly. I will speak of things that some of you may prefer not to hear and that I wish I never had to mention.

My life as a child included dehumanization, degradation, isolation, mocking, mind games, lies, extreme lack of privacy, mischaracterization, beatings, sexual assault, and extreme humiliation far more potent than anything you could imagine. My adoptive mom was mentally unstable and I  received many threats death of death after I entered grade school. There were good times too but terrible storms were never far away.
 
Now the days of my physical abuse ended three days after I signed up to join the United States Marines. But for nearly forty years, I have struggled unnecessarily as a Christian. I have been misunderstood by pastors and teachers in one church after another and in place after place for as long as I can remember. In fact, this abuse that I have experienced has been nearly as destuctive as the physical and sexual abuse I suffered as a child.

 I have interviewed many people who have also experienced similar destructive counseling. For that reason, I will use my own experience as an example of what I'm talking about.
 
The pain of my past began to surface about ten years after I left home. The giddy freedom that I felt during my years as a Marine began to give way to an uneasy depression and, later on, to an inability to partake in the joy that Christians everywhere told me that I should have.

Over the years, pastors and elders of various churches and denominations told me that I needed to pray more, that I needed to worship more, that I needed to praise more, that I needed to learn how to believe more effectively, that I needed to repent more, that I needed to pray in tongues more, and that I needed to speak positively at all times. At one point, I was accused of despising God, told that I was a coward because I did not believe God, and that I needed to have a demon or demons driven out of me. Finally, I was told that I needed to tithe more so that God could begin to bless my life.

I never expected to be rejected at church. I never expected to be misunderstood, sidelined, dismissed, and dismissed by pastors, counselors, and church leaders.  Whether this was spiriual abuse or not, I felt rejected by God Himself.

Honor God - Forget Revenge

In the past couple of days, I've had the chance to read about David’s flight from Saul in 1 Samuel. In that story is the battle that David fought within his own soul, a battle that many people who have been abused and mistreated must fight. It was a very difficult time indeed for David. In 1 Samuel 24:15-16, David makes his stand of faith and honor before the king who has been searching for David in order to kill him: ‘May the LORD be our judge and decide between us. May he consider my cause and uphold it; may he vindicate me by delivering me from your hand.’ When David finished saying this, Saul asked, ‘Is that your voice, David, my son?’ And he wept aloud.

In order to save his own life, David has been running, hiding, and surviving. He has gathered a group of men together who are expecting him to seize the opportunity to rid himself of the king's wrath, and God provides that exact opportunity. So while King Saul is asleep, David sneaks up on him and cuts off a corner of the king’s robe. David may have been tempted, but he did not harm or dishonor the king. And as we read in 1 Samuel 24:15-16, David pleads with Saul and in the end, Saul lifts up his voice and weeps.

David chose to honor the anointing that God had placed upon King Saul and by doing so, David honored God. David had just cause to exact revenge on the king, but he knew that God was in charge of justice. David knew that he could not dishonor King Saul without dishonoring God Who had anointed Saul as king—the same God Who had anointed David to later become king.

If you are being abused, you have every right to find safety, healing, freedom, and peace. You have every right to seek help through the courts, law enforcement, medical teams, psychological services, pastors, teachers, lawyers, and others. You can even e-mail me.

But do not seek revenge. Please make the choice to leave that to God. David could have sought revenge, but instead he chose to honor God and sought peace. When I was a child, I was dishonored by the hour and by the day. I had so many opportunities to dishonor back. But it's important that we honor God with our greatest heartache and fears. It's important that we don't take it upon ourselves to win earthly battles our way because we do not have all the information or facts nor can we read the future. We do not know how our actions may affect the future.

But we do know and can rest assured that God is alive and well, and that He is able to do great things through us if we trust Him. David trusted Him; we should do nothing less. David honored God! Let's give God space to work.

“Come and See”

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept. John 11:33-35, NIV

                        

I am blessed to attend a small church whose pastor has a humble heart. He is in the process of teaching these passages from John where Lazarus was resurrected, and I saw Christ’s humanity far more clearly than I had ever seen it before.

Something in those passages jumped out at me; the image captured my imagination for over 24 hours and is likely to never to fade from view. It is a major question that we each must face time and time again when life does not live up to our dreams. You see, life sometimes gets in the way of what we want, what we hope for, and what we desire with all of our heart. And in those moments, we are crushed. That is exactly what happened to Mary when Lazarus died.

What caught my attention was when Jesus asked those who were grieving where they had laid Lazarus. And now, I would like to ask you the same question. Where have you buried your dreams? Where are the markers for your heartbreak? Where are your dreams and loved ones laid to rest?

When Jesus asked Mary and those who were with her where they had laid him, their response was “Come and see.” Mary wanted to show Jesus the spot that they had chosen for Lazarus to rest. She might've wanted to show Jesus the beautiful landscape that surrounded the tomb. She might've wanted to kneel down next to the tomb and show him the quiet and peaceful spot where she grieved. Maybe hope was bubbling up in her heart. For whatever reasons, she was quick to lead Jesus to the spot as she whispered, “Come and see.”   

And Jesus came. Jesus wept openly without shame even though He knew what He was about to do. That's how closely Jesus identifies with your pain and mine. Jesus wept even though He knew the ending from the foundation of the earth itself.

I ask you to take a moment and walk with me to the tomb of your greatest heartache, failure, pain, or regret. I ask you to honor the pain that you feel and the loss that is still so raw and overwhelming by simply inviting Jesus to “come and see.”  As you do so, I will do the same for just as you hurt, so do I. And as you take Him to the tomb, so will I.

There is no miracle without the need for one. There is no healing without disease, there is no recovery without illness, and there is no victory without attack. And so, we bring Jesus to our greatest source of need. He is our Savior and He knows our pain with great familiarity yet He will come again if we ask.   

“Come and see, Lord.” See our tears and show us the joy of Your victory. Change our perspective. Show us what You will do with the seed of faith that You have placed in our hearts. Bring miracles to those who need Your miraculous power. Bring joy once again to our broken hearts.  Restore the future to those whose future has been ripped away.

Lord, we don't know what You're going to do. We cannot know! But give us the ears to hear the angels praise You as You change our poverty into joyous celebration of victory over brokenness and earthly pain. 

Love at First Sight

Thirty-six years ago today, as part of an evening worship service, my wife Pam and I joined hands and exchanged our wedding vows. I had less than $25 in my pocket, an old station wagon that seated twelve, and the dreams to create a family that would someday fill it. I kept hoping that the pastor would finish with the vows quickly before my wife realized the depth of her mistake. 

                              

I have learned the love of Christ through her. Never has she given up on me nor has she failed to follow my leadership. At the very least, she’s only politely questioned it. She has brought joy into my life all of these years.

Even during the recent storm, when life was so uncertain and my eyes were temporarily darkened, she brought sunshine into my heart. Each night, she came to the hospital and stayed with me until visiting hours were over. She held my hand, tucked me in, and put headphones on me so that I could listen to a Bible CD. I fell asleep listening to the stories of Joseph, King David, of the creation, and the birth of Christ.

My brain was in a blender. I didn't know right from left, up from down. I needed assistance go to the bathroom, to dress, and to walk. The doctor was not hopeful, and yet hope visited my room each night. Before listening to my evening CD, I said goodnight to my son, Joseph, and thanked God for my daughter, Dawn, and two sons, Stephen and David, who brought me a plant that brightened my room and reminded me of God’s love.

Fifteen months later, I wish to take the opportunity to thank my wife for all she has done for me and all that she is. She has been faithful in every meaning of the word and for that I thank her.

Now please don't misunderstand. We have had our disagreements, and on more than a couple of occasions, I have had to duck and take cover as a flying plate stated her opinion with great lucidity. But as strong as our disagreements may have been at times, our love was stronger still. We clung tenaciously to God in times of stress and trouble. We prayed, and God did not turn away from our prayers. We cried, and we did not cry alone for He was with us.

When we married, my wife was 18 and I was a clumsy, inexperienced young man of 25 who had no idea what life was about. But I knew Christ. I knew that He loved me; I knew that I loved her; and I knew that if we made one commitment to each other, everything else would work out. And so it has.

The commitment that we made was that no matter what we faced, we would never divorce. We vowed to never go to bed angry with each other; to stay awake and fight until the fight was over. We vowed to be willing to forgive.

I could wish for you a far more prosperous life than the one Pam and I have shared, and I could certainly wish for you a more beautiful car than the one we drive (or at least one with less than 200,000 miles on it). But I could never wish for you to have more joy than Pam and I have experienced or more peace then we share today. So, I wish you our love!!!!!

Send us your thoughts at www.robertallenmeyer@yahoo.com

Forgive Us

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18, NIV

 

We think of no one as more powerless or pitiable than an orphan. Nothing in my life stunned me as much as finding out that I was an orphan, that I was alone in the world. I was around three years old when my foster mom told me the truth. I didn't understand it completely, but there was nothing more painful than that moment. I had no mother or father; the ones who I thought were my parents were not. Even more, I found out that I was being kicked out of the home in several days.

 

Jesus said that He will not leave us as orphans. That He will come to us so that we will not feel the pain and hurt of being alone and uncomforted. Would you take a minute today to pray for the brokenhearted and discouraged, those who have been rejected, beaten, and emotionally abandoned through child abuse? These are good people who were left comfortless, and it is up to us to help them heal. I hope that you never experience the pain the abused have experienced.

 

I have counseled those who feel the need to cut themselves in order to relieve the pain of their ordeal. I have met many who have never reached their true potential because of violence or sexual assault. Their stories vary, but the outcome is that, with so few people to reach out, they are emotional orphans. They may seem like the misfits in your church, they may be awkward in the way they relate to others, but Jesus will come and comfort them through your hands and your love if you adopt them as one of your own.

 

Abortion is so neat and tidy; the belief is that no one will ever know. Yet those cries that were silenced and the cries of the orphans who still cry are heard by You. Forgive us, Lord, if we have made the mistake of rejecting either the born or unborn orphans of this world. Forgive us when we turn our hearts against those who make us feel uncomfortable. Forgive us when we turn away due to the pain of what we see, our own indifference, or lack of time, love, or money.

  

Father, please forgive me for even still I cry. Even though I know Your remarkable love, the pain still stings. But today, I would have been aborted. I would have never known You.

 

I pray for the orphans in faraway lands as well as those in the pew next to mine. I pray for the heartbroken and for those whose hearts beat for days too few to notice. I pray, Lord, for the empty wombs and the empty rooms and the broken hearts of the angels who have grieved. Let us be a people who comfort the brokenhearted and strengthen the weak and heavy-laden. I beg that I never stand before You and ask You when was it that I saw You naked, hungry, homeless, rejected, alone, or devastated. Amen.

 

I dedicate this post to Bob L. who believed in me and treated me as a son!

Comfort the Broken

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18, NIV

I want to focus on this simple, straightforward promise of Jesus, which lets us know that He understands exactly how painful it is to feel alone and that He will come to us personally. 

Jesus cares deeply about us and even more deeply about the brokenhearted. He wants them to be welcomed into our churches and our gatherings. We are not to burden the weak and heavy-laden with further rejection. We are not to shun those whose mannerisms make us uncomfortable. It is the older and wiser of us who will answer for the way these little ones are treated. Will we treat them as welcomed guests or that they are in the way?

When I was in the Marine Corps, every Thanksgiving and Christmas the local churches invited us to come and eat with their members in their homes. I had the opportunity to go on some occasions and, I must admit, the food was terrific. Just being in a family setting was great. They were polite and kind and I always left with a smile on my face.

But the next Sunday when I visited their church, the welcome mat was gone. I was greeted and treated kindly, but no one invited me to share a hamburger, to join them in some Sunday activity, or even asked me to attend their church again. Nobody even said goodbye as I walked away.

Are the broken ones welcome in your church and mine? Are they invited back? Are they preferred and honored? Or rejected, either openly or subtly? Do we invite them out for pizza or hot dogs? Do we open ourselves to them or close up tight?

I know of a beautiful young person who was served as an angel of light to a brokenhearted family. No better picture of being like Christ could ever be painted. She has labored in the background not asking for fanfare, thanks, power, or privilege. She just wanted the opportunity to serve. She gave and gave; even as I write this, she is still giving. Yet she feels unwelcome in her church, rejected by the other members, and therefore, by Christ.

Jesus knows what it feels like to be left alone. Like Jesus, let's make sure that our churches welcome the hurting and broken. Please make sure that you personally are part of the solution. Make sure this type of story never occurs again. Let’s give this beautiful young woman and the many others like her the room to grow into the fullness of Christ. That way, we give comfort to Christ. Shame on us all if we fail!

Step 4: Make Adjustments and Keep Growing!

To those of you who have struggled for years with intense pain, I encourage you that you can heal and you are not alone. To those of you who would love to give up, I understand. But don't give up. Almost nothing works the first time it's tried. Thomas Edison knew that, so he kept experimenting. Abraham Lincoln knew that, so he kept running for president. My wife knew that, so she continued believing in my healing. My friends knew that, so they kept praying for me.

If you have picked your team well, you will continue to grow and heal. If you've made a mistake in choosing one of the people, then make a change and keep on believing. Although there were a couple people who were not interested in joining my team, most of the people did accept and are still praying for more miracles to come.  When we hit snags, we found ways around them through prayer.

If you're having trouble gathering your team or even in choosing whom to ask, get good counsel from someone who loves you, wants to see you heal and succeed, and whose faith is strong.

In ending this little series, I understand that I have not given you all the answers nor can I, for they are not mine to give. The answers all come from God. But feel free to Email me. I am available as a recovery coach.

Step 3 - Together Form a Plan

When you gather your team—people who love you, care about you in a deep and meaningful way, and are committed to praying for you—together you will need to form a plan that will make a real difference in your life. These team dynamics will keep you safe and give you great strength and guidance through tough and treacherous times.

                     

As you are healing, you will go through some of the most turbulent waters of your life. A life of peace, joy, and effective Christian love lies ahead of you. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. Being healed is going to be far more valuable than you may ever have imagined. There is no limit to what God is going to do through the healed, restored, and fully functional you. But before that can happen, you and your team will need to come up with a simple game plan.

Whatever plan that you and your team decide upon can be adjusted, changed, revised, and rewritten, if necessary. Trust in the team of people you’ve selected. Remember that these are mature people who care about your growth and healing, and that they will need time to really pray about how to encourage you and help you heal. Mature people may take a little longer to reach a decision, but when they do, it is far more trustworthy.

Your team may encourage you to get the help and guidance of your family doctor or to seek the services of a reputable counselor or psychologist. A good team might even suggest that you book an appointment with a psychologist to interview them. A good psychologist would welcome such a meeting because they understand that in order to help someone heal, there must be a great fit between the doctor and the patient.

Your team may also suggest a particular pastor whom they have found to be easy to talk to and, just as important, someone who is worth listening to.

By gathering these resources together, your team will have helped you take your first steps toward true and lasting healing.

Next Time: Make Adjustments and Keep Growing!

Step 2: What about Their Faith?

The faith of the people that you select for your team is extremely important. Faith gives a person the ability to stand and believe even when things feel hopeless. Faith is a rock-solid belief that God has the ability to act even when there is no reason to hope. Faith is the strength of the hopeless, the infirmed, the discouraged, and the broken. You need people of faith on your team.

In Mark Chapter 2, we see friends gather together and hatch a plan. The plan was simple. They were going to carry their paralyzed friend to Jesus so that he could be healed. Picture it for a minute. See them gather together. See them stoop and see them lift their friend. Maybe it was a bit rocky at first as they shifted the load between them. And that is the way it is with a team of people. They must find a way to carry the load for a little while. And that's what the paralytic’s friends in Matthew did. They carried their friend. This was not a terrible burden to them, but a burden of love. These men had faith and they were determined that if they could just get their friend to Jesus that he would be healed. Now we all know that deadweight is heavy and that a paralyzed person is by definition deadweight. Yet they carried him. And as they did so, I would guess that they felt the burden more deeply as their journey continued. They may have stumbled and even nearly fell.  

But their muscles didn't give out and their faith didn’t falter. They had formed a plan and they were sticking to it. We all know that most plans have barriers, but we find ways around them.

The paralytic’s friends’ barrier was that there were too many people standing in the way. There were too many other people who needed Jesus’ help. And there were no disabled entrances through which they could enter. So these men of faith made their own entrance by opening up the roof wide enough so they could drop their friend down on ropes right at Jesus’ feet.

You will not heal completely without people of real faith on your team. You will need people who have the ability to come up against barriers and use wisdom and faith to break them down.

 

Next Time: Together Form a Plan

Step 1: Find a Team of People Who Are Willing to Help You Heal

Step 1.  Find a Team of People Who Are Willing to Help You Heal

Begin with a friend or other adult you know cares about you. This friend must be trustworthy because you are going to share some very real and painful memories. Confidentiality is a must so choose somebody who is able to keep a secret, somebody who has demonstrated their trustworthiness to you in the past. I suggest that you look for someone who is at least 10 years older than you are and is kind, gentle, and deeply interested in your healing.

Stay away from the friend who is always telling you what you should do. Stay away from people who are critical of how you've handled your quest for healing. Critical people are a dime a dozen and should not be chosen as part of your team. A strong family member might be a good choice if they were not part of your abusive situation. If this person has given you sound advice in the past in a loving, gentle way, they may be a good candidate.

The person you are looking for is someone who would be excited to be part of your healing team. If they hesitate or say they don't know if they have the time, then maybe they're not the right candidate. If they immediately give you advice, then they are probably not the right candidate, either. 

I was lucky because I always had three to four people who were able to fill this spot for me. These were people who I could call at any time and say, “You know, I'm having a problem I'd like to share with you,” and they always gave me the time. These were also the people I could call when everything was going well. Even then, they always gave me the time and were excited about my progress. These were the people with whom I always knew that I could be open and honest.

Look for people who love you unconditionally and are ready to do whatever it takes to see you become strong, healthy, emotionally healed, and productive in all that you say and do.

Next Time: Step 2: What about Their Faith?

Grief Must Make Way for the King

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:10, NIV

In the great day of kings, subjects were not allowed to look into the eyes of their king. Man's idea of a king and God's idea is so very different indeed! We are invited to look into our King’s eyes. No, not just invited. Encouraged to look into His eyes!  

My Lord is the lifter of my head and, one day, He did just that. One Sunday, I no longer cried. What made that day different from all the rest, I do not know and cannot tell. I am not God and His workings are so very far beyond me that I can only guess.

So here is my best guess. The deep sadness and pain that comes from repeated abuse takes time to heal, and there is no one reason why someone like me finally comes up from the depths of depression, loneliness, isolation, and despair. The grief of being hated by the ones you love, being abused and beaten by the ones who should have loved you back is a deep and terrible grief—far more terrible than anyone can really imagine.

But there is a time for grief which needs to be expressed in tears, words, writings, and song. There is a place for grief, and it needs to be a place of honor within the church. God intends for us to grieve our losses; it is good for us to do so. It is healthy to express our agony and heartache for He understands the grief and the despair of our hearts. We also need to allow others who are grieving the space to do so.

We need to allow time and space for prayer, counseling, and faith to do their work. We need to give space to the heartbroken and provide a place where they can come and find tenderness, love, and peace. Grieving is very hard work indeed.

Never underestimate the hard work and faith needed to recover or the amount of work it will take to reach those who are in deep despair. But isn't that what we're called to do? Isn’t that our service and our joy? Isn't that what separates us from dead religion? While we cannot underestimate the price that we may pay to ransom a soul from heartache, we must also understand that, in the end, it is the King's gaze that is the ultimate ransom for our soul. 

When the King comes, He looks into the eyes of the brokenhearted and lifts their head so that they can gaze into His eyes. And they are changed. 

What I know is this: My King took a moment in time and changed my life. With His hands, he lifted my head and gave me hope.

Next Time: Why Are We Wasting God's Time?

Let God Lead You!

Two years after I met my friend, I joined his church. But before doing so, I had to wait for the Lord to give me permission to leave where I was attending. For months, that permission didn’t come. Week after week, I prayed for permission to leave. Week after week, I was told in no uncertain terms that it was not time.

                    

I waited without knowing why the Lord had not given me the freedom to leave. I waited impatiently, but I waited nonetheless. One day it became clear why I was asked to wait so long. God wanted me to touch a man's life through a dream He had given me to share with him. That night, the Lord then told me that I was free to leave, and I did so.

The next Sunday, I visited my friend's church for the first time. I sat in the second row on the right in a movie-theater church. I was both excited and terrified. I was excited because I saw something in this man that told me he would never be an imposter. I was terrified because I felt that I had exhausted almost all hope and energy.because I knew that in order to heal

I had suffered from migraine after migraine for 30 years and had lost two jobs and my stature because of them. When a migraine came on, it felt like an atom bomb had exploded in my brain, and each one brought more and more discouragement. I was in enough pain to consider ending my life, but I didn’t. I hung on because I was far too stubborn to die. This man, who had listened so carefully to me two years earlier, represented what I feared was my last hope.

My friend began to speak. A simple man, he spoke in clear and simple words. Silent tears that had remained blocked for far too long suddenly began to leak from behind the windows of my soul. I leaked and wiped and leaked some more. I leaked Sunday after Sunday and month after month as God began to release the pain. I never apologized, but I wanted to. My friend never mentioned it and I'm glad that he didn’t. As we walked out of the theater church, he hugged me. That’s all I needed.

Sunday after Sunday, there were no miracles, but I hung on. Sunday after Sunday, I leaked. Nothing changed. Then the migraines got far worse and I felt crushed.

Still, after church my friend hugged me and I him. Nothing changed. Yet I came and he preached and I leaked. Sunday after Sunday and tissue after tissue and hug after hug, it never changed. Then one day …

Next Time: Grief Must Make Way for the King

How to Choose the Right Pastor

A few years later, I met a man who was a pastor. I would have never guessed his occupation unless I had asked. He was a kind and humble man who was without the pretense of religion.

                 

I met him when I was working at his home. One thing led to another and I began to share my story of abuse and shame. Somehow this man had learned to listen intently and openly. He gave me the space and time necessary to lay out the details of my agony. He had the ability to listen until I was finished and then he allowed me the space I needed to clarify my thoughts and express my grief without interruption. When I was finished, he simply said something similar to “Wow.” After that, he remained silent for a long time while I waited to hear his advice. He offered none.

Then I told him that I was about to undergo cancer surgery in a couple of days. He asked if I would mind if he came to pray with me on the morning of my surgery. I told him that I would appreciate it. That morning, he, my wife, and I prayed together. He stayed until I was out of surgery and then he slipped away.

The greatest gift any person of God can give you is to listen. If your pastor, elder, or leader can’t give you this gift, find one who can and will. Keep going until you find the one who opens his or her heart to you as this man did to me.

Healing requires a relationship with others who are strong, full of faith, able to listen, and are emotionally intelligent. Find those leaders who are worthy of your trust, your honesty, and your openness. Open your heart to them as they prove to be worthy of your trust in them.

Again I caution you: Whoever you choose to pray with, counsel with, and worship with is receiving a great and precious gift. Make sure they are worthy of that gift. If they are not, then run like the wind and find those people who are.

Next Time: Let God Lead You!

Identify the Imposter and Run!

An imposter is toxic to your recovery because they do not minister from a healed and tender heart. Many years ago, I led a home church as part of our church’s ministry. I was successful at this and when our pastor needed to be out of town one Sunday, he asked me to preach the sermon. I was as excited as I could be.

                             

I prepared a message that talked about how God adopts us into His family. But the message that I prepared was not coming from a heart that was healed. I had recently learned that my dad regretted having ever adopted me and I had not yet recovered from the pain of this.

                                      

I would have been okay if I had simply told the truth and said that my own adoption had failed, but that God's adoption of us into His family never fails. That would have been a refreshing and honest message that could have brought great healing to others. But I tiptoed around my own experience. As I stepped up to the podium, I looked down and realized that I was wearing two totally different shoes. One was white and the other brown. Not only was I an imposter, I was a poorly dressed one to boot!

While people praised my delivery, God didn't stand up and cheer. As the days passed, depression set in; then weeks passed and the depression got worse and worse. I told my pastor that I just didn't have the courage to get up in the morning or even to dress or come to church. He then called me a coward and we parted ways.

A couple of years later, he went through a severe depression himself and came and apologized to me. He told me that he had learned so much from what he had suffered. Both of our hearts were healed. Two men, who both loved God, had learned that heartbreak and pain can’t be ignored. Each of us had been an imposter and each of us had to learn the hard way.  

Remember: Whoever you choose to pray with, counsel with, and worship with is receiving a great and precious gift. Make sure they are worthy of that gift. If they are not, run like the wind!  

Next Time: How to Choose the Right Pastor

How Do You Start a Conversation with the King?

He calls his own sheep by name. John 10:3, NIV

I dedicate this post to Angie and Brian whose hearts are broken today because they can no longer hold their son Seth who died so suddenly.

How do you start a conversation with the King? How do you stop the tears from flowing as He sits down beside you?

You wait with Him. You cry with Him. Your pain becomes extreme as you slowly become silent with Him by your side. Then you are comforted as He speaks your name.

We will miss you, Seth.

Quit Listening to Imposters!

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.  Matthew 25:36, NIV
    
If you have been shattered by abuse, then you are likely already drowning in bad advice. Imposters come in all shapes, sizes, and temperaments and from all walks of life. They are hard to spot at first; the truth is that they are usually very well-meaning people who are really only trying to help you. But bad advice is toxic, hurtful, and violates the principles of Matthew 25:35-36.

My road to recovery has been made far rockier by the ill-informed ideas of some pastors, elders, teachers, friends, and others who I'm sure meant well, but who actually brought more guilt, pain, confusion, discouragement, and finally despair. These people did not minister God's grace.

While I struggled with the issues that follow severe abuse survivors, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, guilt, and depression, my recovery was stunted, slowed, detoured, obstructed, and nearly destroyed by the well-meaning, the uninformed, and the unskilled who were willing to give quick-fix answers to some of my most deep and impossible situations. And when their advice did not work, they did not blame themselves; they simply said that I did not have the faith that was required for miracles.

During my time of recovery, I was given every explanation possible as to why I was struggling with such deep and unrelenting pain, and was given tons of advice on how I could move forward and recover. I was told that I needed to pray more, worship more, praise more, get excited about God more, feel the Spirit more, and—my favorite one of all time—that I needed to put more money in the collection plate when it came around. Even my abuser joined the chorus of those who sang from the wrong hymnal and told me that “prayer got him through the day” and that I should “try it sometime.” Imagine the arrogance of the man who never apologized for a single beating to counsel me on how to recover from 14 years of terror and fear inflicted by him and my mom. I consider this simply stunning, but, sadly, far from unusual.

Imposters can do more to derail your healing process than the traumatic memories of the abuse itself. If you are going to heal, then you must eliminate the advice of the posers, the imposters, and the ill-informed—even tune out the advice of well-meaning friends who actually hurt your recovery rather than aid it.  

Next Time: Identify the Imposter and Run!

I felt her hand clasp my finger. Moments froze. They hung as fragile as crystals and pregnant with both hope and fear. They bookmarked the moment in my mind. Then they just melted away.

                   

The little girl was shorter than my knee and had lost her way. She was separated from the safety of her mama's hand. I found her in silent tears behind a frog display in a children's museum.

We walked a hundred steps and she was reunited with her mom. Within minutes, her tears were dried and gone. That's the way of children. They trust.

But I haven’t recovered from our encounter so quickly. The bookmark is now buried deep within my soul. I am changed by the experience. I will not forget that little girl, and I am grateful.

Trust is so basic and yet so very brittle. It does not bend. Once broken, it never mends exactly as it had been before. That is why trust is vital for a child—and for us.

Trust is necessary throughout our lives and essential to our health and vitality. Shattered trust breaks the heart. Dreams are lost and hopes are abandoned. Childhood is cut short, love is destroyed, and overnight life can become a nightmare.

That is the grief of little ones who have been abused. Their dreams have become painful and their hopes have been abandoned so long ago.

Perhaps the reasons for your pain are different than mine but the resulting ache is not so different. The route to healing is long and filled with risk as well as reward. I am not sure that healing is ever perfect. What I can tell you is that your experiences will make you stronger.

If you are one who has experienced the betrayal of trust, then you are not alone. Know and remember that you are never alone. It's time to hope again and take the hand of someone who understands your pain and struggle.

It's time to heal, to hope, and to share. Maybe you never shared your story. Maybe, like me, you have preserved the public image of those who hurt you by remaining silent. Maybe you have denied that anything really happened or have simply decided that you deserved it.

These words of mine are unrehearsed and frankly honest. In them, I share my hopes and dreams of success and safety. In them, I share the thoughts of a man whose life was shattered. But most importantly, I share the love that my God has shared with me.

Eventually I will share my story. I will tell you of the love that forgave me for not fighting back. About the love that holds me when I cry. But I will share with you far more than cute little stories. I will share the One Who extended a finger to me when I no longer knew how to hope and Who extended His hand to me when joy had turned to perpetual fear.

But for now, just imagine sitting on a park bench in the shade of a great old elm tree. Take a moment and listen to the beat of your own heart. Hear the birds and feel the gentle breeze as it stirs the air.

As you listen, imagine a kind, old man who can barely walk strolls up and asks permission to rest on the bench beside you. He tells you that this is his favorite place to rest because he planted the elm so very many years ago. He is both harmless and kind and so you invite him to join you. He asks you about your journey through life and soon moments melt into hours as the two of you become friends.

It is my hope that you will come often and linger awhile when you do so. There are so many words I would love to share. Please come often and bookmark these pages so that you can enjoy them again and again.

Better still, please invite a friend. There are so many that need encouragement, hope, and a little more time in the shade of a great old elm tree.

Welcome to Words from the Bench!