Spiritual Abuse – Part 1

This post deals honestly with painful material in a polite and respectful way. Please read this only if you are in a safe emotional place.

I would like to speak directly and honestly about a matter that has troubled me so greatly. I will speak of things that some of you may prefer not to hear and that I wish I never had to mention.

My life as a child included dehumanization, degradation, isolation, mocking, mind games, lies, extreme lack of privacy, mischaracterization, beatings, sexual assault, and extreme humiliation far more potent than anything you could imagine. My adoptive mom was mentally unstable and I  received many threats death of death after I entered grade school. There were good times too but terrible storms were never far away.
 
Now the days of my physical abuse ended three days after I signed up to join the United States Marines. But for nearly forty years, I have struggled unnecessarily as a Christian. I have been misunderstood by pastors and teachers in one church after another and in place after place for as long as I can remember. In fact, this abuse that I have experienced has been nearly as destuctive as the physical and sexual abuse I suffered as a child.

 I have interviewed many people who have also experienced similar destructive counseling. For that reason, I will use my own experience as an example of what I'm talking about.
 
The pain of my past began to surface about ten years after I left home. The giddy freedom that I felt during my years as a Marine began to give way to an uneasy depression and, later on, to an inability to partake in the joy that Christians everywhere told me that I should have.

Over the years, pastors and elders of various churches and denominations told me that I needed to pray more, that I needed to worship more, that I needed to praise more, that I needed to learn how to believe more effectively, that I needed to repent more, that I needed to pray in tongues more, and that I needed to speak positively at all times. At one point, I was accused of despising God, told that I was a coward because I did not believe God, and that I needed to have a demon or demons driven out of me. Finally, I was told that I needed to tithe more so that God could begin to bless my life.

I never expected to be rejected at church. I never expected to be misunderstood, sidelined, dismissed, and dismissed by pastors, counselors, and church leaders.  Whether this was spiriual abuse or not, I felt rejected by God Himself.

Honor God - Forget Revenge

In the past couple of days, I've had the chance to read about David’s flight from Saul in 1 Samuel. In that story is the battle that David fought within his own soul, a battle that many people who have been abused and mistreated must fight. It was a very difficult time indeed for David. In 1 Samuel 24:15-16, David makes his stand of faith and honor before the king who has been searching for David in order to kill him: ‘May the LORD be our judge and decide between us. May he consider my cause and uphold it; may he vindicate me by delivering me from your hand.’ When David finished saying this, Saul asked, ‘Is that your voice, David, my son?’ And he wept aloud.

In order to save his own life, David has been running, hiding, and surviving. He has gathered a group of men together who are expecting him to seize the opportunity to rid himself of the king's wrath, and God provides that exact opportunity. So while King Saul is asleep, David sneaks up on him and cuts off a corner of the king’s robe. David may have been tempted, but he did not harm or dishonor the king. And as we read in 1 Samuel 24:15-16, David pleads with Saul and in the end, Saul lifts up his voice and weeps.

David chose to honor the anointing that God had placed upon King Saul and by doing so, David honored God. David had just cause to exact revenge on the king, but he knew that God was in charge of justice. David knew that he could not dishonor King Saul without dishonoring God Who had anointed Saul as king—the same God Who had anointed David to later become king.

If you are being abused, you have every right to find safety, healing, freedom, and peace. You have every right to seek help through the courts, law enforcement, medical teams, psychological services, pastors, teachers, lawyers, and others. You can even e-mail me.

But do not seek revenge. Please make the choice to leave that to God. David could have sought revenge, but instead he chose to honor God and sought peace. When I was a child, I was dishonored by the hour and by the day. I had so many opportunities to dishonor back. But it's important that we honor God with our greatest heartache and fears. It's important that we don't take it upon ourselves to win earthly battles our way because we do not have all the information or facts nor can we read the future. We do not know how our actions may affect the future.

But we do know and can rest assured that God is alive and well, and that He is able to do great things through us if we trust Him. David trusted Him; we should do nothing less. David honored God! Let's give God space to work.

“Come and See”

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept. John 11:33-35, NIV

                        

I am blessed to attend a small church whose pastor has a humble heart. He is in the process of teaching these passages from John where Lazarus was resurrected, and I saw Christ’s humanity far more clearly than I had ever seen it before.

Something in those passages jumped out at me; the image captured my imagination for over 24 hours and is likely to never to fade from view. It is a major question that we each must face time and time again when life does not live up to our dreams. You see, life sometimes gets in the way of what we want, what we hope for, and what we desire with all of our heart. And in those moments, we are crushed. That is exactly what happened to Mary when Lazarus died.

What caught my attention was when Jesus asked those who were grieving where they had laid Lazarus. And now, I would like to ask you the same question. Where have you buried your dreams? Where are the markers for your heartbreak? Where are your dreams and loved ones laid to rest?

When Jesus asked Mary and those who were with her where they had laid him, their response was “Come and see.” Mary wanted to show Jesus the spot that they had chosen for Lazarus to rest. She might've wanted to show Jesus the beautiful landscape that surrounded the tomb. She might've wanted to kneel down next to the tomb and show him the quiet and peaceful spot where she grieved. Maybe hope was bubbling up in her heart. For whatever reasons, she was quick to lead Jesus to the spot as she whispered, “Come and see.”   

And Jesus came. Jesus wept openly without shame even though He knew what He was about to do. That's how closely Jesus identifies with your pain and mine. Jesus wept even though He knew the ending from the foundation of the earth itself.

I ask you to take a moment and walk with me to the tomb of your greatest heartache, failure, pain, or regret. I ask you to honor the pain that you feel and the loss that is still so raw and overwhelming by simply inviting Jesus to “come and see.”  As you do so, I will do the same for just as you hurt, so do I. And as you take Him to the tomb, so will I.

There is no miracle without the need for one. There is no healing without disease, there is no recovery without illness, and there is no victory without attack. And so, we bring Jesus to our greatest source of need. He is our Savior and He knows our pain with great familiarity yet He will come again if we ask.   

“Come and see, Lord.” See our tears and show us the joy of Your victory. Change our perspective. Show us what You will do with the seed of faith that You have placed in our hearts. Bring miracles to those who need Your miraculous power. Bring joy once again to our broken hearts.  Restore the future to those whose future has been ripped away.

Lord, we don't know what You're going to do. We cannot know! But give us the ears to hear the angels praise You as You change our poverty into joyous celebration of victory over brokenness and earthly pain. 

Love at First Sight

Thirty-six years ago today, as part of an evening worship service, my wife Pam and I joined hands and exchanged our wedding vows. I had less than $25 in my pocket, an old station wagon that seated twelve, and the dreams to create a family that would someday fill it. I kept hoping that the pastor would finish with the vows quickly before my wife realized the depth of her mistake. 

                              

I have learned the love of Christ through her. Never has she given up on me nor has she failed to follow my leadership. At the very least, she’s only politely questioned it. She has brought joy into my life all of these years.

Even during the recent storm, when life was so uncertain and my eyes were temporarily darkened, she brought sunshine into my heart. Each night, she came to the hospital and stayed with me until visiting hours were over. She held my hand, tucked me in, and put headphones on me so that I could listen to a Bible CD. I fell asleep listening to the stories of Joseph, King David, of the creation, and the birth of Christ.

My brain was in a blender. I didn't know right from left, up from down. I needed assistance go to the bathroom, to dress, and to walk. The doctor was not hopeful, and yet hope visited my room each night. Before listening to my evening CD, I said goodnight to my son, Joseph, and thanked God for my daughter, Dawn, and two sons, Stephen and David, who brought me a plant that brightened my room and reminded me of God’s love.

Fifteen months later, I wish to take the opportunity to thank my wife for all she has done for me and all that she is. She has been faithful in every meaning of the word and for that I thank her.

Now please don't misunderstand. We have had our disagreements, and on more than a couple of occasions, I have had to duck and take cover as a flying plate stated her opinion with great lucidity. But as strong as our disagreements may have been at times, our love was stronger still. We clung tenaciously to God in times of stress and trouble. We prayed, and God did not turn away from our prayers. We cried, and we did not cry alone for He was with us.

When we married, my wife was 18 and I was a clumsy, inexperienced young man of 25 who had no idea what life was about. But I knew Christ. I knew that He loved me; I knew that I loved her; and I knew that if we made one commitment to each other, everything else would work out. And so it has.

The commitment that we made was that no matter what we faced, we would never divorce. We vowed to never go to bed angry with each other; to stay awake and fight until the fight was over. We vowed to be willing to forgive.

I could wish for you a far more prosperous life than the one Pam and I have shared, and I could certainly wish for you a more beautiful car than the one we drive (or at least one with less than 200,000 miles on it). But I could never wish for you to have more joy than Pam and I have experienced or more peace then we share today. So, I wish you our love!!!!!

Send us your thoughts at www.robertallenmeyer@yahoo.com

Forgive Us

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18, NIV

 

We think of no one as more powerless or pitiable than an orphan. Nothing in my life stunned me as much as finding out that I was an orphan, that I was alone in the world. I was around three years old when my foster mom told me the truth. I didn't understand it completely, but there was nothing more painful than that moment. I had no mother or father; the ones who I thought were my parents were not. Even more, I found out that I was being kicked out of the home in several days.

 

Jesus said that He will not leave us as orphans. That He will come to us so that we will not feel the pain and hurt of being alone and uncomforted. Would you take a minute today to pray for the brokenhearted and discouraged, those who have been rejected, beaten, and emotionally abandoned through child abuse? These are good people who were left comfortless, and it is up to us to help them heal. I hope that you never experience the pain the abused have experienced.

 

I have counseled those who feel the need to cut themselves in order to relieve the pain of their ordeal. I have met many who have never reached their true potential because of violence or sexual assault. Their stories vary, but the outcome is that, with so few people to reach out, they are emotional orphans. They may seem like the misfits in your church, they may be awkward in the way they relate to others, but Jesus will come and comfort them through your hands and your love if you adopt them as one of your own.

 

Abortion is so neat and tidy; the belief is that no one will ever know. Yet those cries that were silenced and the cries of the orphans who still cry are heard by You. Forgive us, Lord, if we have made the mistake of rejecting either the born or unborn orphans of this world. Forgive us when we turn our hearts against those who make us feel uncomfortable. Forgive us when we turn away due to the pain of what we see, our own indifference, or lack of time, love, or money.

  

Father, please forgive me for even still I cry. Even though I know Your remarkable love, the pain still stings. But today, I would have been aborted. I would have never known You.

 

I pray for the orphans in faraway lands as well as those in the pew next to mine. I pray for the heartbroken and for those whose hearts beat for days too few to notice. I pray, Lord, for the empty wombs and the empty rooms and the broken hearts of the angels who have grieved. Let us be a people who comfort the brokenhearted and strengthen the weak and heavy-laden. I beg that I never stand before You and ask You when was it that I saw You naked, hungry, homeless, rejected, alone, or devastated. Amen.

 

I dedicate this post to Bob L. who believed in me and treated me as a son!

Comfort the Broken

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18, NIV

I want to focus on this simple, straightforward promise of Jesus, which lets us know that He understands exactly how painful it is to feel alone and that He will come to us personally. 

Jesus cares deeply about us and even more deeply about the brokenhearted. He wants them to be welcomed into our churches and our gatherings. We are not to burden the weak and heavy-laden with further rejection. We are not to shun those whose mannerisms make us uncomfortable. It is the older and wiser of us who will answer for the way these little ones are treated. Will we treat them as welcomed guests or that they are in the way?

When I was in the Marine Corps, every Thanksgiving and Christmas the local churches invited us to come and eat with their members in their homes. I had the opportunity to go on some occasions and, I must admit, the food was terrific. Just being in a family setting was great. They were polite and kind and I always left with a smile on my face.

But the next Sunday when I visited their church, the welcome mat was gone. I was greeted and treated kindly, but no one invited me to share a hamburger, to join them in some Sunday activity, or even asked me to attend their church again. Nobody even said goodbye as I walked away.

Are the broken ones welcome in your church and mine? Are they invited back? Are they preferred and honored? Or rejected, either openly or subtly? Do we invite them out for pizza or hot dogs? Do we open ourselves to them or close up tight?

I know of a beautiful young person who was served as an angel of light to a brokenhearted family. No better picture of being like Christ could ever be painted. She has labored in the background not asking for fanfare, thanks, power, or privilege. She just wanted the opportunity to serve. She gave and gave; even as I write this, she is still giving. Yet she feels unwelcome in her church, rejected by the other members, and therefore, by Christ.

Jesus knows what it feels like to be left alone. Like Jesus, let's make sure that our churches welcome the hurting and broken. Please make sure that you personally are part of the solution. Make sure this type of story never occurs again. Let’s give this beautiful young woman and the many others like her the room to grow into the fullness of Christ. That way, we give comfort to Christ. Shame on us all if we fail!

Step 4: Make Adjustments and Keep Growing!

To those of you who have struggled for years with intense pain, I encourage you that you can heal and you are not alone. To those of you who would love to give up, I understand. But don't give up. Almost nothing works the first time it's tried. Thomas Edison knew that, so he kept experimenting. Abraham Lincoln knew that, so he kept running for president. My wife knew that, so she continued believing in my healing. My friends knew that, so they kept praying for me.

If you have picked your team well, you will continue to grow and heal. If you've made a mistake in choosing one of the people, then make a change and keep on believing. Although there were a couple people who were not interested in joining my team, most of the people did accept and are still praying for more miracles to come.  When we hit snags, we found ways around them through prayer.

If you're having trouble gathering your team or even in choosing whom to ask, get good counsel from someone who loves you, wants to see you heal and succeed, and whose faith is strong.

In ending this little series, I understand that I have not given you all the answers nor can I, for they are not mine to give. The answers all come from God. But feel free to Email me. I am available as a recovery coach.

Step 3 - Together Form a Plan

When you gather your team—people who love you, care about you in a deep and meaningful way, and are committed to praying for you—together you will need to form a plan that will make a real difference in your life. These team dynamics will keep you safe and give you great strength and guidance through tough and treacherous times.

                     

As you are healing, you will go through some of the most turbulent waters of your life. A life of peace, joy, and effective Christian love lies ahead of you. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. Being healed is going to be far more valuable than you may ever have imagined. There is no limit to what God is going to do through the healed, restored, and fully functional you. But before that can happen, you and your team will need to come up with a simple game plan.

Whatever plan that you and your team decide upon can be adjusted, changed, revised, and rewritten, if necessary. Trust in the team of people you’ve selected. Remember that these are mature people who care about your growth and healing, and that they will need time to really pray about how to encourage you and help you heal. Mature people may take a little longer to reach a decision, but when they do, it is far more trustworthy.

Your team may encourage you to get the help and guidance of your family doctor or to seek the services of a reputable counselor or psychologist. A good team might even suggest that you book an appointment with a psychologist to interview them. A good psychologist would welcome such a meeting because they understand that in order to help someone heal, there must be a great fit between the doctor and the patient.

Your team may also suggest a particular pastor whom they have found to be easy to talk to and, just as important, someone who is worth listening to.

By gathering these resources together, your team will have helped you take your first steps toward true and lasting healing.

Next Time: Make Adjustments and Keep Growing!

Step 2: What about Their Faith?

The faith of the people that you select for your team is extremely important. Faith gives a person the ability to stand and believe even when things feel hopeless. Faith is a rock-solid belief that God has the ability to act even when there is no reason to hope. Faith is the strength of the hopeless, the infirmed, the discouraged, and the broken. You need people of faith on your team.

In Mark Chapter 2, we see friends gather together and hatch a plan. The plan was simple. They were going to carry their paralyzed friend to Jesus so that he could be healed. Picture it for a minute. See them gather together. See them stoop and see them lift their friend. Maybe it was a bit rocky at first as they shifted the load between them. And that is the way it is with a team of people. They must find a way to carry the load for a little while. And that's what the paralytic’s friends in Matthew did. They carried their friend. This was not a terrible burden to them, but a burden of love. These men had faith and they were determined that if they could just get their friend to Jesus that he would be healed. Now we all know that deadweight is heavy and that a paralyzed person is by definition deadweight. Yet they carried him. And as they did so, I would guess that they felt the burden more deeply as their journey continued. They may have stumbled and even nearly fell.  

But their muscles didn't give out and their faith didn’t falter. They had formed a plan and they were sticking to it. We all know that most plans have barriers, but we find ways around them.

The paralytic’s friends’ barrier was that there were too many people standing in the way. There were too many other people who needed Jesus’ help. And there were no disabled entrances through which they could enter. So these men of faith made their own entrance by opening up the roof wide enough so they could drop their friend down on ropes right at Jesus’ feet.

You will not heal completely without people of real faith on your team. You will need people who have the ability to come up against barriers and use wisdom and faith to break them down.

 

Next Time: Together Form a Plan

Step 1: Find a Team of People Who Are Willing to Help You Heal

Step 1.  Find a Team of People Who Are Willing to Help You Heal

Begin with a friend or other adult you know cares about you. This friend must be trustworthy because you are going to share some very real and painful memories. Confidentiality is a must so choose somebody who is able to keep a secret, somebody who has demonstrated their trustworthiness to you in the past. I suggest that you look for someone who is at least 10 years older than you are and is kind, gentle, and deeply interested in your healing.

Stay away from the friend who is always telling you what you should do. Stay away from people who are critical of how you've handled your quest for healing. Critical people are a dime a dozen and should not be chosen as part of your team. A strong family member might be a good choice if they were not part of your abusive situation. If this person has given you sound advice in the past in a loving, gentle way, they may be a good candidate.

The person you are looking for is someone who would be excited to be part of your healing team. If they hesitate or say they don't know if they have the time, then maybe they're not the right candidate. If they immediately give you advice, then they are probably not the right candidate, either. 

I was lucky because I always had three to four people who were able to fill this spot for me. These were people who I could call at any time and say, “You know, I'm having a problem I'd like to share with you,” and they always gave me the time. These were also the people I could call when everything was going well. Even then, they always gave me the time and were excited about my progress. These were the people with whom I always knew that I could be open and honest.

Look for people who love you unconditionally and are ready to do whatever it takes to see you become strong, healthy, emotionally healed, and productive in all that you say and do.

Next Time: Step 2: What about Their Faith?