I Just Had to feel My Way Forward

You may have tried a thousand times to find a way to heal. But now you still hurt, maybe even more than you could ever try to explain. I’ve been there, and I understand. I couldn’t walk away from my pain and I just couldn’t heal. I just had to feel my way forward while I was full of bone-dry and silent tears.

But I was not alone; I was never alone and neither are you. Even now, as you and I talk through the power of technology, you are not alone. Someone far more powerful than I is right there with you.

There is an ancient teaching that tells us that where two or three are gathered together in the Creator’s name, He is also there. The teaching also states that if you (all) ask anything in His name, He will do do it. The only limit is that we don't ask out of an evil or selfish heart. Take a minute and ponder that. The Creator of the universe is gathered together with us right now as we are about pray. 

So let’s pray with all the honesty and humility we posess: Father, we come to you in need of Your help, Your intervention, and Your joy for we have muddled our own way through for far too long. Fill our hearts once more with Your joy. Provide for our needs and help us to provide for the needs of others. Forgive us and teach us to learn how to forgive others. Hold us closer than Your own breath, even when we try to pull away and Heal, restore, and reinvent our lives in Your image. Help us! We ask you in the name of Jesus, who is here with us now even as we gather here to pray. Amen.

Are You Ready for a Stinking Miracle?

“Take away the stone,” he said. “But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.” John 11:39, NIV

If a sense of hopelessness is making you discouraged, then here is a post that will make your day! If you have given up on a dream, then this post will lift your heart and put a smile on your face. Now, I am dealing with personal material that is hard to share, but I do so in the hope that you will gain from my mistakes. It is common for those of us who have been bruised by abuse to struggle; I hope my struggles encourage you. I will make this a short series to avoid a very long post.  

Do you have dreams that have been buried? If so, let me share my biggest one with you. I wanted to be a pastor with every beat of my heart. It was 1968 and the Vietnam draft and the war itself were splitting our nation. I had just graduated from high school and the draft made it difficult for young men because if you dropped out of college for any reason, you were likely to be drafted and sent off to war.

To further set the scene, I had spent years in a home that was pockmarked with abuse, deception, and threats of death. My home claimed to be a Christian one, but my mom’s mental illness ruled and it was a terrible place to live. Just a few months prior to graduation, my mom held a butcher knife to my throat. It was not a safe place to live or thrive.  

But ahead of me was the almost impossible task of learning Greek, Hebrew, and Latin along with all my regular classes. These three languages were essential in order for me to become a Lutheran pastor and that was my dream, so I was determined to learn them.

On top of that challenge was yet another. Emotionally, I was at least four to six years younger than my chronological age because I had lived in near total isolation and terror for so many years. Now if you were to have asked me back then I would never have told you that I was abused. I would've told you that my parents were extremely strict. But the truth was far more brutal than that.

If I had just started out to be a Lutheran minister, without all the abuse and terror through which I lived, I would have been ordained as a pastor. What occurred though was far different than that. At first, I couldn't cut the language issues very well and I had no idea of what to do with my newfound freedom. Since I had never had freedom even for a single day, I was bewildered and totally unable to handle it. 

I was a very poor student in my first semester, but I tried hard in the second semester and brought my grades back in spectacular fashion. I studied as hard as I could and was beginning to feel a little bit more secure in my personal relationships, but felt that I was so different from everyone there. My experience level was like that of an eighth-grader not a college freshman. I embarrassed myself in so very many ways.

Then I made a mistake which changed my life forever. I had been studying for three or four days. The night that I pulled my very first all-nighter, one of the professors came by to check out how things were going with everyone. When he came by my room, he saw how tired I was. He had never paid much attention to me before that day even though he was a frequent visitor on our floor. I knew his name but that was all.

He suggested that I might need some time away from the books; an hour or so of relaxation, so he invited me over to his home. I was honored to be invited by a professor. When I walked into his home, he offered me a drink and by treating me like an adult, he gained my confidence. Now I knew I wasn't supposed to drink, but somehow just being asked seemed like such a great honor. I drank most of it; my head began to swim as my dreams drowned. When I awoke, my clothes and my dreams were both undone. I found out later that this man had abused many others over a good many years. The school, however, protected him and decided to make an example out of me. I was told that my parents would get a letter informing them of all that had occurred that night.

I joined the Marine Corps less than six days later. My parents got a bewildering letter from the school which included nothing about the incident, but informed them that I was not welcome back the next year. My parents eventually investigated and discovered the truth.

I bring this up because last week my pastor read a quote from the book of John. Lazarus, the brother of Martha, was dead. When Jesus asked her where he was buried, Martha protested His implied intent of opening the grave by saying, “Lord, by this time he stinketh…”

Although I had read and heard this Scripture many other times, at that very instant the Spirit of the Lord said to me, “Bob, are you ready for a stinking miracle?” In other words, "Is there some hope or dream that has been buried for days or years? Has death destroyed your hope somehow?"

I think we are comfortable with little miracles, but we don’t believe for the unbelievable to happen. But God wanted to remind me of the thousands of buried dreams which long ago had begun to stink. Big miracles reveal our total need for Him, our failures, our weaknesses, and sometimes our sin.     

But who wants a stinking miracle? Who wants to come forward and speak of where they buried their dreams? Who wants to admit their own shame? Who will speak of their own failures and sin? Listen. If you want a stinking miracle, it's time to tell Jesus where the tomb is hidden. Now remember, He already knows so don’t ever be embarrassed. He is easily approached by the humble, easily entreated by the grieving who remembers where their dreams are buried, and easy to speak to in prayer.

Cast Away - Wilson I'm sorry

This is the video for the reference in yesterday's post about the movie Castaway.  It's well worth the 4 1/2 minutes.  Really feel this man's loneliness and ask yourself if you know anyone feeling this way, and how Jesus wants us to respond.  Have you ever felt loneliness like this?

We who hold the souls of others in our hands, who counsel, teach and preach must remember that these souls have been entrusted to us and that we will need to account for them someday. 

I met a man after God's heart. The first man who understood; the first pastor who ever really listened. It took several years to heal but I am now healed thanks to my wife, a great therapist, and God. 

May God lead us in our walk with Him and our service to the broken hearted. May He fill us with wisdom, remove all our critical influences and memories so that our ministry is safe, secure and loving. May He forgive us for when we have not listened and give us the chance to attend many "Wow" moments in the years to come.

Spiritual Abuse – Part 3

In the 2000 movie “Cast Away,” Tom Hanks plays Chuck Noland, a real-life systems engineer for FedEx. In a terrible storm, Noland’s plane is blown far off course where it crashes at sea and he alone survives. Castaway on a deserted island, he faces the rigors of survival and the ever-dwindling hope of rescue.

  

But with high tide comes a glimpse of hope. FedEx packages from the crash wash onto the shore. Inside, Noland finds a volleyball and a pair of ice skates. Both become essential to his survival and are used in ways so different from their original design.

The ice skates become the Swiss Army knife of Noland’s four-year ordeal, giving him the ability to crack coconuts, cut vegetation, and build shelter. When he accidentally cuts his hand, a bloody handprint is deposited on the volleyball. Later, consumed by his desperate loneliness and dwindling hope of rescue, Noland notices his own handprint on the volleyball. Slowly the volleyball becomes his imaginary friend whom he names “Wilson.” From that point on, “Wilson” becomes Noland’s friend and confidant.

Noland creates a crude raft but is blown back by the wind and the breakers. Four years later, after learning the weather patterns, tides, and better raft-building skills, he sets sail for another desperate chance at rescue. With “Wilson” at his side keeping him company through the first few days of relative quiet, all is well. Then a violent storm arises and separates the two. Noland, in a heartbreaking scene, desperately tries to save “Wilson” from being swept away at sea. The need for human contact, for affirmation, for comfort, and for love drive him far beyond the breaking point, and it personifies what those who have been afflicted by abuse feel deep within the crevasses of their soul. When you watch Noland’s struggle, you see and feel the depth of loneliness which occurs when a human being is cut off, isolated, and hopeless.

Finally, Noland’s story reminds me of the ordeal that survivors of abuse endure. The abused child experiences life as a castaway too. They too are lonely and desperate and although they have not had their lives mangled by shipwreck, their birthright of love, safety, tenderness, and compassion has been scuttled by those whose homes, hearts, and lives should have provided safe harbor from the storms of life. Their innocence, which should have been protected even to the point of death, has washed up on the shores of a deserted island, shattered by indifference, drugs, sex, violence, anger, and selfishness. 

Now it's time for us to act, to put our arms around the brokenhearted and listen to their stories and the burdens they share. Like Noland, they may bear the memories of loneliness, despair, and hopelessness. They may rarely speak openly of their own “Wilson” moments—those times when their hearts broke like a porcelain doll, when they cried themselves to sleep, or when they began cutting themselves in a vain attempt to sedate their own heart and mind.

They may feel shame when they remember their struggle and their pain so listen carefully and refrain from quick judgments. Remember that for years I was told that I needed to pray more, read the Bible more, and give more in order to heal, but the reality was that I needed to be loved and listened to with an open, loving and understanding heart. 

Spiritual Abuse – Part 2

Like all of us, spiritual leaders can be wrong. I am sure that these leaders never meant to harm me or to make my walk with the Lord more perilous. I am sure that they never meant to short-circuit my faith, make me feel like an outcast, or despair of life itself. But that is what occurred, and I do believe that it was spiritual abuse. I really hate to say it, but it's true, it's common, and it must come to a halt.

Quick, judgmental, and easy answers cause a great deal of heartache among our believers. This is even more harmful to believers who suffer from emotional issues caused by abuse, rape, and sexual assault. These believers deserve far better leadership and far more encouragement, hope, support, and plain old human love and understanding. There are times when I have seen more love expressed by social service groups that do not have a Christian agenda than I have seen from those who claim to bear the cross of Christ.

Job suffered when his friends gave him poor and inaccurate counsel. Current-day believers also suffer when leaders fail to understand the issues of a deeply broken heart. And if the church is to be a place where healing occurs and lives are changed for the better, it must also be a place where the brokenhearted can come and feel safe and secure while they heal.

The reality is that God is sovereign and we are not. So we must avoid the pitfalls of critical hearts. Encourage those who are hurting by setting in front of them the hope and promise of becoming growing and thriving. Then remind them that they will be an inspiration to others someday.  

My gift is to encourage believers, and I guarantee you that a little bit of encouragement can lift the head of the grieving believer. There are times when your encouragement is all that is needed to set someone free. There are other times when you will encourage and it will seem like your encouragement has little effect. But the Lord will use your words of hope to touch the hearts of those who are open and ready to hear. Patience and faith are far more effective than people think. Stay focused and keep going. It will pay off!

One time I sat down with a pastor when I was in extreme distress. He asked me what was wrong and I told him my story of degradation and humiliation. I waited for him to interrupt me, but instead he did something that no other pastor had ever done before: he asked me to continue. Two hours later, after I had explained the depth of my experience, I again waited for him to speak. He drew in a deep breath and paused for a moment. Then he gave me the most encouraging Christian counsel I have ever heard. He exhaled and said, “Wow!” 

Sometimes we may just need someone to understand what we are going through and to just say, “Wow.” In his simple answer, I found a counselor that I could trust and a friend who understood. And most important of all, I also found a man who was comfortable with admitting that he didn't know all the answers. I respect him for that, big time. 

Let me know what you think. 

Spiritual Abuse – Part 1

This post deals honestly with painful material in a polite and respectful way. Please read this only if you are in a safe emotional place.

I would like to speak directly and honestly about a matter that has troubled me so greatly. I will speak of things that some of you may prefer not to hear and that I wish I never had to mention.

My life as a child included dehumanization, degradation, isolation, mocking, mind games, lies, extreme lack of privacy, mischaracterization, beatings, sexual assault, and extreme humiliation far more potent than anything you could imagine. My adoptive mom was mentally unstable and I  received many threats death of death after I entered grade school. There were good times too but terrible storms were never far away.
 
Now the days of my physical abuse ended three days after I signed up to join the United States Marines. But for nearly forty years, I have struggled unnecessarily as a Christian. I have been misunderstood by pastors and teachers in one church after another and in place after place for as long as I can remember. In fact, this abuse that I have experienced has been nearly as destuctive as the physical and sexual abuse I suffered as a child.

 I have interviewed many people who have also experienced similar destructive counseling. For that reason, I will use my own experience as an example of what I'm talking about.
 
The pain of my past began to surface about ten years after I left home. The giddy freedom that I felt during my years as a Marine began to give way to an uneasy depression and, later on, to an inability to partake in the joy that Christians everywhere told me that I should have.

Over the years, pastors and elders of various churches and denominations told me that I needed to pray more, that I needed to worship more, that I needed to praise more, that I needed to learn how to believe more effectively, that I needed to repent more, that I needed to pray in tongues more, and that I needed to speak positively at all times. At one point, I was accused of despising God, told that I was a coward because I did not believe God, and that I needed to have a demon or demons driven out of me. Finally, I was told that I needed to tithe more so that God could begin to bless my life.

I never expected to be rejected at church. I never expected to be misunderstood, sidelined, dismissed, and dismissed by pastors, counselors, and church leaders.  Whether this was spiriual abuse or not, I felt rejected by God Himself.

Honor God - Forget Revenge

In the past couple of days, I've had the chance to read about David’s flight from Saul in 1 Samuel. In that story is the battle that David fought within his own soul, a battle that many people who have been abused and mistreated must fight. It was a very difficult time indeed for David. In 1 Samuel 24:15-16, David makes his stand of faith and honor before the king who has been searching for David in order to kill him: ‘May the LORD be our judge and decide between us. May he consider my cause and uphold it; may he vindicate me by delivering me from your hand.’ When David finished saying this, Saul asked, ‘Is that your voice, David, my son?’ And he wept aloud.

In order to save his own life, David has been running, hiding, and surviving. He has gathered a group of men together who are expecting him to seize the opportunity to rid himself of the king's wrath, and God provides that exact opportunity. So while King Saul is asleep, David sneaks up on him and cuts off a corner of the king’s robe. David may have been tempted, but he did not harm or dishonor the king. And as we read in 1 Samuel 24:15-16, David pleads with Saul and in the end, Saul lifts up his voice and weeps.

David chose to honor the anointing that God had placed upon King Saul and by doing so, David honored God. David had just cause to exact revenge on the king, but he knew that God was in charge of justice. David knew that he could not dishonor King Saul without dishonoring God Who had anointed Saul as king—the same God Who had anointed David to later become king.

If you are being abused, you have every right to find safety, healing, freedom, and peace. You have every right to seek help through the courts, law enforcement, medical teams, psychological services, pastors, teachers, lawyers, and others. You can even e-mail me.

But do not seek revenge. Please make the choice to leave that to God. David could have sought revenge, but instead he chose to honor God and sought peace. When I was a child, I was dishonored by the hour and by the day. I had so many opportunities to dishonor back. But it's important that we honor God with our greatest heartache and fears. It's important that we don't take it upon ourselves to win earthly battles our way because we do not have all the information or facts nor can we read the future. We do not know how our actions may affect the future.

But we do know and can rest assured that God is alive and well, and that He is able to do great things through us if we trust Him. David trusted Him; we should do nothing less. David honored God! Let's give God space to work.